Views on Religion

September 7, 1987

Jihad and I were able to go on vacation and had a great but tiring time in Eureka Springs. We went to Granite, OK, to visit my sister, and my parents and other sister were there, too. I thought it might be awkward at first, talking about my cancer, but it wasn't because we didn't really talk about it. Lynda asked about getting her blood drawn to see if she matched me for a bone marrow transplant and when it could be done, and Janelle said she could do it later this month. Really, nothing else much was said about it.

I don't feel much different still, except that I'm feeling a little weaker than usual, I feel nauseated sometimes, and I don't have much of an appetite. I was fixing dinner tonight, and the smell really got to me

I'm really glad I got to get away this week. It's nice to be around people who don't know me and look at me as a regular person. I'm probably paranoid but it seems like my nephew Jonathan was more distant than usual, but his sister Martha seemed to be okay. Janelle's husband Arnold also was a little distant. Lynda is doing well, though. She has so many of her own problems.

September 8, 1987

Dr. Smith thinks I need to go to Houston to enroll in their study before chemo. He's going to get back to me about it tomorrow.

I'm trying right now to keep my faith strong. I've never really felt perfectly sound in my faith (I became Muslim almost 5 years ago) and that bothers me. I keep having little doubls that I need to put out of my mind because doubts are very unhealthy. I know that God is testing my faith to make it stronger, and I feel it definitely needs to be stronger. I just hope I can emerge victorious and not fall. I must believe that Allah would not test me beyond what I can endure, because I can't believe that God would want me to fail and "backslide". Personally, I think I'll do okay and come out more convinced (which is what I need).

I know my faith is not as strong as it could be, but it must be fairly strong to warrant such a hard test. I think having cancer is an extremely hard thing to deal with (almost as bad as losing a spouse) and so my faith must not be too weak. I just wish I could feel completely convinced. It's like I'm standing on the edge, looking in, rather than completely inside. It's very hard to explain. I think it has something to do with being a strong Christian before. I was completely encompassed by Christianity, which is what is expected from it.

Islam is a more practical way of life, as I see it, and not quite so emotional. Is that why I feel this way? Maybe I'm not supposed to be all-encompassed. I do think Islam is more logical and easier to understand than Christianity. Of course there are laws and rules that don't have easy explanations that must simply be obeyed. But those are no big problem and I will obey them simply because Allah says I should, and we will all find out on the day of judgement why we had to do those things. Some may simply be to obey Allah without question, and I think that is fine also. But the main tenets of Islam are easy to understand and are not full of the emotion and self-sacrifice of Christianity. The word Islam means submission to God's will. But inherent in that submission is a sense of self-worth because we are judged on our deeds and misdeeds. We are held accountable. This is a good thing, although of course we all need to pray for God's mercy because none of us is perfect.

I do think this cancer is a test to strengthen my faith, though, and I hope it can do other people some good, too, maybe through this journal or if others can see my strength. I hope that this tragedy can be used for good. Maybe this is what it takes to convert my family, for example. I will watch and wait and see.