A test...

August 27, 1987

I feel as if this cancer is a test from God. Maybe He is testing me to see if my faith will shake or not. Maybe He wants to strengthen my faith so I can make it to heaven. I'm going to try to become more consciencious about reading Quran and learning about Islam. I also want to go back on my diet and start exercising so I can feel more healthy. I hope I can spend time reading Medical Literature.


It's getting a little easier to talk about my Lymphoma now. I still wish peple wouldn't always be so concerned, though, I hate being treated differently than before.

I'm going on vacation next week! I hope we can have a good time and forget about illness for awhile. We are going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas for several days, then to Granite, OK to see my sister Janelle. The doctor says she and my other sister Lynda should come to Tulsa to get their blood HLA typed and my brother Ron should get it done in Ohio to see if they are a match for a bone marrow transplant. Mom thinks Ron has my blood type. Dr. Richardson has interviewed me about a job for next year which sounds promising. I could work 1/2 to 3/4 time and "write my own ticket" when it comes to what I want to do next year. I'm hoping I can work a few days a week, plus taking call every 3rd night sounds good.


I passed a point 2 days ago where I kept trying to cry all the time. Every time anyone mentioned my illness, I started to cry. I felt like I was going to explode and decided I really hadn't had a good cry since I was diagnosed. So 2 nights ago I went into my room and cried into my pillow. I wish I could have cried out loud, but Karen is still here and I would have felt funny, but I do feel better now. I'm truing to figure out if I'm in the denial or anger stage in grieving, but I'm not sure I can place it. I think it's closer to disbelief and depression. Mainly I'm depressed because I have cancer and I'm going to die probably sooner than I thought I would and I'll have to go through treatments and something is wrong with me and now people feel sorry for me all the time. Disbelief because I don't feel bad, I've always been healthy, and I'm really the same person I was 3 weeks ago, before my diagnosis was made. It's still hard to believe. I'm so young. Young people don't get cancer. Anyway I'm going to try to start from here and just take each day as it comes, because, who knows I may just outlive Jihad or anyone else, for that matter. I'm not sure if I should go through life thinking I'll lick this thing for good though, because chances are I won't, but I can always hope. I need to know my options. So far I understand that I could live a long time, so I need to continue "business as usual". I may need to schedule some outpatient chemo. I hope it won't make my hair fall out, but if it does, I can start wearing a veil since I'm supposed to wear it anyway.