I was looking through my two journals I started when I was diagnosed, the first dated Aug 15, 1987 and the 2nd ending in 1997. I just realized that's 10 years of journaling!!! At first, I had wanted to just type the journals, which are hand written, and try to publish them, but since they are somewhat dry and personal and long winded and repetitive, when I tried to get people to read them, I think they went into a coma. I have been looking through them though, and maybe it would be interesting to type in some excerpts of these journals from time to time, since they give a good insight into what I was thinking and feeling and doing at the beginning of the cancer and beyond. So I'm going to go dig up the first one and give it a try. If I try to type a blog for each journal entry, that will still be a lot of blogs!!!!!!!
August 15, 1987
I have cancer. I still can't believe it's true. I never thought I'd use that word in reference to me and I'm not sure it has sunk in yet.
I am 27 years old, married, no kids. I noticed an enlarged lumph node in my neck about a year ago,but it didn't cange or get bigger so I didnt do any thing about it. Then I noticed more nodes in my neck and also in my armpit so I saw the doctor who suggested a fine needle biopsy. This was done 4 days ago and was not normal, so I had surgery, a lymph node biopsy, the next day. I found out the results yesterday: "nodular poorly differentiated lymphoma". It's incurable, but a slow growing tumor so I have some time left--5, 7, 10 years. The doctor told me, "Who knows? Maybe they will find a cure by then?" The only other hope is bone marrow transplant.
One thing that makes me unique as a patient is that I'm a doctor. I'm doing my last year now as a pediatric resident and sometimes I think I know too much. My husband is a Civil Engineer and is having a harder time understanding. I want to use this diary to write down my thoughts, feelings, struggles and what is going on in my mind during these next years.
My next step is staging, 3 days from now. Chest x-ray, CT of the abdomen and bone marrow biopsy. I am not looking forward to that. I've done a few bone marrows myself and they are very painful. After the staging it will be decided what to do next. The doctor said some of these tumors go away on their own and some get worse quicker than others. One thing I hope to do is to be able to have a child. I hope to be writing one day that I've had a baby, because that would bring me and Jihad (my husband) the most joy. I don't think it would be bad if my baby had to be raised just by Jihad or by a step mom. I do want to bring someone new into the world, however, someone who is a part of me and Jihad.
What surprised me the most about this cancer stuff is that I've been feeling good. I really haven't been more tired than usual or having any real symptoms. I guess it goes to show that our existence is never guaranteed and we just have to live one day at a time. I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to do, but for right now, I don't want this to disrupt my life too much. I may change my mind later, but the only things I've changed so far is starting this diary, and I'm thinking about things a little more than usual. I hope I can "deepen my existence" a little this way, and make my fewer years here more meaningful.
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